My Mother is a pain in the ass, always has been and always will be. She managed to snow her family for most of her life, but with the Alzheimer's her filters are failing her and more and more of her true vitriol comes out. The true crime of this? She wasn't always this way. Narcissistic yes, but she was also kind. My father killed that. After he did his number on her she became embittered and cruel. Especially to me as I am a reminder of him. I am a blend of both parents personalities, but more that of my Father than of my Mother. My Mother once scorned can't forgive or forget. My Father can walk away from anything at the drop of a hat when things get too tough. I forgive but do not forget, and when I have been hurt too many times I do walk away. My ability to walk away scares them at the same time it intrigues them. They are so intertwined in each others lives, so fully enmeshed that being a solitary individual is a foreign concept. An example is that the story of how I lost my virginity (according to Mother anyway) is widely known amongst my cousins and their friends.
My Mother uses the Exelon patches. She has been on them for 4 months. In the beginning we felt they were helping, but as time has gone on, it has become apparent that they aren't. Yes they are slowing her rapid declines to only declines but the decline is steady still. This could be for 2 reasons.
- Mom waited way too long to get help and now it is too late to salvage any memory. Her short term is completely gone and half of her long term is Swiss Cheese.
- Mom is so under weight they can't up her dosage and she isn't receiving a full therapeutic dose.
Either way, it's a waste of $400 a month. I have to be the one to tell her doctor that. I have to be the one to say she's too far gone and we just need to let her go. No one in Mojo's family wants to hear this, they want a miracle for her. They feel that this is the cruelest if death sentences for her because of the horror of her marriage.
Her marriage didn't have to be such a horror though. She could have walked at the first signs of abuse. She could have realized a pedestal is not the place to be. She could have listened to the rumors that she was the other woman. She should have known that by age 40 perfection was a myth. That behind smoke and mirrors lay the darkness. I am not saying she caused the abuse, but she didn't diffuse the bomb that is my Father either. Mojo's fighting style is that of find the weakness and hit it until all Hell breaks loose. With MIA that meant violence. With me it was tears. Now that I walk away she is left feeling a void at the lack of drama and theatrics. A void she doesn't like. A void she is unprepared to handle. To give you an idea of her ability to exploit the sore spots, she can drive my patient J to the brink of murder. No joke. Even I don't elicit that type of response from him in my worst episodes.
Maybe I am being harsh, but in all honesty, that was how she raised me- harshly. I was raised with great extremes. All good or all bad, no gray areas. If I was a good girl, I was the best of them. When I was a naughty girl (which I never really was) I was bound for Hell. Sure I mouthed off, but what teen doesn't? I got good grades, obeyed curfew, didn't party, you know I was fairly easy aside from being a moody ass. Yet I remember the unnecessary harsh.
This leaves me with the cold reality of how to care for her with love and not the harshness she showed me. What's worse than that- do I even want to? I am scared of the answer, I fear I am more my father's daughter than I thought and all I want to do is simply walk away.